sometimes i feel like people would be happier if i just faded away.

""The more things change, the more they stay the same."

I’m not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow.

And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar.

Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You’re not a drug addict. You’re not killing anyone -- except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank god, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again. It probably won’t work out that way, though, since things will keep changing. That’s one thing I know a lot about: whether you like it or not, stuff keeps happening all the time. And not always for the better. Usually not, it seems. But maybe it gets easier.

Hopefully that first change doesn’t hurt too much, it doesn’t kill you, you don’t lose any limbs or an eye - or a friend.

Then you figure you can do it again. It’s like when you have to move something really heavy, like a couch, or a car that ran out of gas. You can hardly budge it at first, but once it finally starts to move, it gets a lot easier to push the rest of the way. As long as you don’t stop pushing. So I guess you can keep changing... a little at a time, once you get started. You sort of have to, because if you don’t -- if you stop and freeze up again - then you still have that same flaw you started with after all. So you just have to take a chance. Push yourself. Take that first step outside the box and hope it’s not too horrible.

And enough small changes can eventually add up, until finally you really are different. Even enough for other people to notice, not just you. That probably has something to do with growing up."

i wish i didn't care more than everyone else does. =/

i keep disappointing everyone i love. ._.

why can i never do anything right? :(

"what's wrong?" they ask.

here's what's wrong:

my parents favor my siblings. always. i'm never treated the same as the two of them.

everything i've ever done in my life was to make my parents proud. every decision i make is made with consideration as to what their reaction would (or should) be. my life has been devoted to making my parents love and appreciate me and be proud of me.

nothing i do works.

why?

when i stand up for myself i feel:

selfish.
self-righteous.
wrong.
scared.
intimidated.
unworthy.
alone.

i don't like to stand up for myself.

the problem isn't that i don't know where i stand. i know exactly where i stand. in my mind, i imagine talking back at people, telling them how i feel and shouting at them what they don't understand about me. but only in the private recesses of my mind. never in real life. i stand up for myself often enough, in private. i even know i'm right most of the time. i just lack the capacity to share that information with anyone else out of fear that i might upset or disappoint them. so i always opt for being wrong instead. i'm so neurotically aware of every tiny thing i do wrong and i focus on it until it just seems like i never do anything rigiht.

the sad thing is that i'm now almost nineteen, yet i still can't tolerate disappointing anyone. the fear of disappointing anyone is my prime motivating factor in life. no matter what i do for anyone, it's never enough. if i spend the day doing chores and things for other people, all i can see if what i have left to do that seems like it'll never get done. if i spend money, i always feel like i've spent too much of my parents' hard-earned money. when i spend a day studying, i feel terrible for not caring if my parents or anyone needed anything to be done and for devoting so much time to myself. if i crave attention from my parents, i berate my status as a needy, dependent child. if i devote all my energy to doing things i actually enjoy, i feel guilty that i'm not there for others who might need me. every area of my life is basically a lose-lose situation, and only out of my own doing.

the more i give, the more people want, and the more i see that i'm always falling short of meeting their needs.

what can i do?
how can i fix it?
what should i do?

last night, i remembered something from third grade. my best friend of most of elementary school, nicole somethingoranother, came over my house. we had a really fun time on the trampoline and drawing and playing pokemon cards and mario kart, but she found out i slept with a blue stuffed animal that my dad had bought for me when i was born. she pinkie swore not to tell anyone. the next day in school, she completely went back on her promise and told everyone. elementary kid schools are pretty mean, and they didn't stop teasing me for at least the entire day. but at the end of the day, as we were waiting for the bus, nicole whateverherlastnamewas whispered to me that she, too, still slept with a stuffed animal, and asked me not to tell anyone. looking back, i probably should have told everyone, just to get back at her. but i kept my promise, even though she hadn't done the same for me.

i'm reminded of this one seemingly insignificant event very often. sometimes people aren't who you think they are. sometimes you think you're closer to someone than you really are. sometimes people take things back and say things they don't mean and break promises. sometimes you think someone would do for you what you'd do for them. but it's not always true. time and time again i've made the same mistake of trusting people i probably shouldn't.

when will i learn?