when i stand up for myself i feel:

selfish.
self-righteous.
wrong.
scared.
intimidated.
unworthy.
alone.

i don't like to stand up for myself.

the problem isn't that i don't know where i stand. i know exactly where i stand. in my mind, i imagine talking back at people, telling them how i feel and shouting at them what they don't understand about me. but only in the private recesses of my mind. never in real life. i stand up for myself often enough, in private. i even know i'm right most of the time. i just lack the capacity to share that information with anyone else out of fear that i might upset or disappoint them. so i always opt for being wrong instead. i'm so neurotically aware of every tiny thing i do wrong and i focus on it until it just seems like i never do anything rigiht.

the sad thing is that i'm now almost nineteen, yet i still can't tolerate disappointing anyone. the fear of disappointing anyone is my prime motivating factor in life. no matter what i do for anyone, it's never enough. if i spend the day doing chores and things for other people, all i can see if what i have left to do that seems like it'll never get done. if i spend money, i always feel like i've spent too much of my parents' hard-earned money. when i spend a day studying, i feel terrible for not caring if my parents or anyone needed anything to be done and for devoting so much time to myself. if i crave attention from my parents, i berate my status as a needy, dependent child. if i devote all my energy to doing things i actually enjoy, i feel guilty that i'm not there for others who might need me. every area of my life is basically a lose-lose situation, and only out of my own doing.

the more i give, the more people want, and the more i see that i'm always falling short of meeting their needs.

what can i do?
how can i fix it?
what should i do?